Daily Archives: February 7, 2012

This and that from re Thai r ment. March 31, 2010

I last wrote on Friday waiting for the plane to take us to BKK. Today is Wednesday March 31 in Thailand. I am sitting in a restaurant in Jomtien Beach across the road from the sand and water and in front of the condo in which I have rented a studio for the next six months.

When I arrived in BKK from CM on Friday, I had a little boy who loved me and who I loved in return and had a large house in Paradise. When I left BKK Tuesday for Pattaya I had none of them. His mother (SWMBAAAC) decided to take him on to Italy and then the US and was not planning on returning anytime in the foreseeable future.

In my life, I have lost a child to SIDS, two children to domestic turmoil. Eventually the two returned, one after eight months surrendered by his mother who could no longer cope and the other years later returned through an act of courage and self-awareness far beyond that usually found in an eight year old. And now an innocent little boy wanting little more than security and stability is wrenched away from his home back into aimless wandering from place to place and sudden abandonment. With each loss the pain is deeper but the mourning shorter.

I have moved from Paradise in CM to Pattaya that some say is more than half way to Hell. Jomtien Beach is considered the quiet side of Pattaya, but it still sits squarely on the road to damnation.

No more the well-tended lawns of Paradise in the Mountains or the panting missionaries out to save my soul; the quiet nights broken by the moans and screams as the rodents, snakes and feral cats play out the drama of life and death that rise from the wild lands surrounding the walled gardens of that Paradise. No more the bird songs and flowering trees. I realised Paradise without the screams and squeals of children playing is dull indeed. No more, the tall blond uniformed children on the manicured playing fields dreaming of a world of a Jesus whose only demands on them are to believe in him and to vote Republican. Instead I now reside somewhere on the road to hell, peopled by boney nosed tattooed pot-bellied men worshiping the goddess “poon-tang” and slight pretty women dreaming of their salvation from the poverty and penury of their lives by the wealth extracted from those tattooed pot-bellied devotees.

As irony would have it my apartment is located in the Jomtien Paradise Condominiums. At night I can look out from my balcony towards the lights of Hell (Yes you can see Hell from Paradise.) In my mind’s eye I see neon reflecting like jewels from the dragon’s fire on the beads of sweat spawned by the desperation of desire. And do you know something, for the first time in three months I feel like I can breathe.



Well, it took only 12 hours for the arrangements to change again, for the worse. Now Hayden is going with his mother directly to Italy. He will stay with Nikki for a week and then with Nikki and Natalie for a week in Zürich. Nikki of course, again, he suggested this alternative to Natalie, even after we rejected it a few days ago. I fear for Hayden, that he will be taken to the US and the cycle of loneliness and insecurity will begin again. Or is it my ego feeling threatened, that I lost again.

I am unable to sleep and I tear up when I think of losing him, of never seeing him again. Or, am I just deluding myself, covering up for the assault on my ego. What is this desperate need to “save” the child when my relationship with the mother goes sour. First Jason then Jessica, in neither case was I much of a savior. Now Haden. Maybe I cannot stand the truth. What is the truth?

7 PM

Flew to BKK. Said goodbye to Hayden. Cried. Took taxi to SWAN. Slept from 2PM to 5PM. Had dinner at Macs. Tai at hospital with mother for mother’s tests. I do not feel well.

11 PM

Tai arrived at about 9 PM. Her mom needs more tests tomorrow and Aslon gets vaccinated on Sunday so beach trip off until Sunday night. She told me that if I go back to Chiang Mai she will leave me. I pointed out the difficulty of my position. Cried, pleaded but she remained firm. What to do. Options, choose Hayden and risk losing Hayden and her. Choose her than abandon Hayden should he return. I cannot do that. And if I choose the first option and lose both, what then?

First thing is to delay. Second to negotiate a permanent situation with N. and N regarding CM.

Need to return Nikki’s call. Ask Irwin for advice?

Still coughing.


Still in BKK. Still no word from N. or Nikki regarding Haden. No contact with Tai since Friday night. Since no beach vacation also, decided to try the pool even with my cold water phobia. Went to Robinson’s bought black trunks, black sandals (not flip-flops, another phobia, things between my toes) and some medicine for athlete’s foot and returned to the Swan. Changed into trunks and sandals and went to the pool. After adequate procrastination, I sat at the edge of the pool and tested the water temperature with the traditional toe-touch. It was not that freezing shock that usually felt to me like being stuck with a hot poker. It was pleasant. Jumped in, swam my new nautical exercise regime. 5 or more breast strokes, same number of crawl, then back strokes, then side. Eventually got bored, exited the pool and wrote this while I decide to go back to my room and nap or eat lunch. Nap is winning. No nipple girls today. It’s Sunday after all.

Well just received a telephone call from Nat. who handed the phone to Hayden and we talked about Zinky-do for a while and he hug up. Am I supposed to ask what’s that all about??? Called back. No answer.

Still undecided. Nap or lunch. Two slender blond women wearing different colored bathing suits of the same design and looking like fraternal twins have been lying in the sun since I got up this morning. Except for occasional dips in the pool they lie motionless. One could think they were dead. That cannot be good for them, lying in the sun this long that is, not being dead.

It has been decided, nap wins of course.

6 PM

See emails. Blond women just left the pool.

Nat called. Taking Hayden to US. Sad and Hurt. Bye-bye Hayden. Set up with Oo. See emails. Spoke with Tai. Mom very sick. In hospital so she says. Offered to go to Hosp. She said she will come here


Went to dinner with Tai at an expensive place (1000 baht). She was not very warm to me. Said she was tired. In taxi home asked for 8000 baht for baby vaccination. I gave her three.


Did not sleep much last night. Played with the computer. Having trouble holding it together. Now I think I know what that means. I feel if I do not keep it all in and if I avoid focusing on it, I can get through the day. That it is, my frustration with being unable to get what I want; my humiliation at being bested by N. and having to explain all to my email readers and others (Mom?); my doubts about Tai; my grief over losing Hayden; my anxiety regarding my finances and domicile; my fear I will not succeed in revenge and obtaining tranquility and so on. I have reached that place where the excitement of the new day is overwhelmed by the despair leaking in from the old.

I guess the first thing I need to do is eat breakfast. Even that produces a mild sense of dread in that yesterday I may or may not have gotten a free breakfast and fear I will be discovered today. (Guests in the hotel on the American Plan have Bkfst included. I do not know if I am also on that plan.) Writing this is good. The absurdity of it amuses me and exposes its irrelevance. So off you go Joey and greet the day. Simple steps will not get you far but will get you out of bed and fed. The rest can wait at least that long. But can my mind avoid its turmoil for that long also??

Decided against breakfast right now. Need to research place to stay.


I am sitting in a restaurant in Jomtien Beach across the road from the sand and water and in front of the condo in which I have rented a studio for the next six months.

10 PM

Another night I cannot sleep. The heat, although not oppressive feels heavy on my skin while my mind whirls in grief and desperation. My skin itches.

Categories: January 2010 through March 2010 | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

This and that from re Thai r ment. March 26, 2010

I am writing this as we wait for the Taxi to take us to the airport for our flight to Bangkok, there to go our separate ways. Oo and little Mac to home or wherever, Hayden to Italy, Switzerland and perhaps the US (San Francisco or Sacramento) and me to the shores of the Sea of Thailand.

Hayden appears upset with this latest assault on his stable life here in paradise. He has become used to expecting these sudden surprise oversea trips to signify change or ending. This morning he said goodbye to his schoolmates and teachers.

Until I hear from SWMBAAAC about his final destination, I will probably reside near the beach, probably in or near Cha-am. Cha-am is a beach resort town on the Sea of Thailand about three hours by car southwest of Bangkok. It was the royal beach vacation spot and the King has a whatever-it-is-that-you-call-it where the King lives while he is on vacation. I choose it because it is relatively easy to get to from Bangkok, quiet, inexpensive and liked by my friend.

I will probably not be able to afford a place directly on the sand but hope I can find someplace about a block or so away from the water. I intend to use it long-term as an alternative to Paradise whenever Hayden is not around. Paradise is a subdivision after all, more attuned to the interests of young children and their parents. It is deadly boring for adolescents and alters like me.

I expect that I will be able to breathe again and get back to work.





Lot of stuff in emails especially with Nikki. Planning to leave for BKK tomorrow. Spend one night in BKK then leave for Beach. Will take Hayden. What to do re Tai?

Not much writing done. Hopefully that will change soon. Feel more confident about it.



From Irwin:

you definitely have gained my sympathy not that you were asking for, needed or wanted any. I’m just hoping that swmbaaac is independently wealthy (what does she do?). I think that living at the beach town is a good idea – sort of like venice in the fifty/sixties – and the fact that you mentioned getting back to “work” has me envious and enthused. by “work”, since you haven’t got your esquire’s ticket in bkk, my guess is some writing, perhaps those childrens’ tales you have previously mentioned, ala great pookie. I wish I could be so confident about my ability to do something…anything. but alas I have fallen into the depths of despair (not to mention an about to be loose tooth, one of the few I have left). some strange neuropathy has grabbed me from head to foot and even the vicodin I swallowed at 2″00 am this morning didn’t help – in fact I became sick to the stomach. such is my reward. maybe I will be diabetic. last time I visited the doctor he said that maybe I was coming down with something. I asked him if he could just arrange the “coming” part with the new hispanic nurse who appears more persian than mexican. actually she really isn’t very good looking but any old port in a storm you know, at least during the time I could.

in recent memory, my only stroke as a man is that when the microwave went bust I took to boiling water for tea in a pot on the stove. my last wife finally couldn’t stand doing so anymore and so today she asked me to go with her to pick out a new microwave for which she would pay. I obliged believing to do so was the husbandly-like thing to do.

you are right about paradise. I live in it. it’s grating on the soul. I wish I wasn’t an alcoholic. I’d start drinking again. I had such a good time and ruined more lives than just my own.



Joe’s insensitive response:

SWMBAAAC lives off men like me, Nikki, Dick McCarthy (you remember him?), a host of others and maybe even you. Last night not long after my email to you, I received a call telling me that the plans may have changed once again. This time instead of Hayden going to Italy, he is to return to CM with me on Tuesday. Since my significant other also last night offered me the choice of either her or CM, I am in a worse situation today than I was 12 hours ago. You see, this is what I love about life, everyday brings something new and probably worse, so you might as well wait around to see what it is. Or as the great philosopherette Rosanna Rosanna Danna sagely observed “Its always something”.

You right sympathy is not what I was asking for or need. However advice, no matter how bad, is what friends are for, It allows one to ignore the friends efforts and feel guilty and a sense of accomplishment at the same time without really addressing the issue. That I assure you is happiness.

Joe continues:

I thought I would continue our email conversation while I struggle to avoid any action or decision in the hope that things will resolve themselves. So I sit here typing this in BKK by the pool at the Swan hotel, my chair angled just so that I can ogle a half naked lady who must be german or the like, Zaftig in every way and about two inches taller than me. I contemplate being swallowed up and exploring what must be her enormous vagina. I believe it could hold half the cocks in BKK in one go.

You once asked my how I deal with reoccurring failure. The answer is in the contemplation of gigantic vaginas. Think of AVATAR. Imagine instead of 11 Ft tall blue babes chasing you through a forest of twinkling lights, you are instead pursued by an 11 Ft tall blue vagina. Or have I been sitting too long in the BKK sun. I think I need to go inside for a wile and take a nap.


Oh.. The big blue vagina has just remover her bikini top…

A second big blue topless and tattooed vagina has just laid down next to the first.

I decided not to go back to my air-conditioned room. Instead I moved to the covered porch facing the pool to get out of the sun and eat lunch. I ordered “Pad Thai” because they had no broccoli.

Two different blue VS follow me into the cafe. They order fried eggs. I must be coming out of it now.

My blue lunch mates return to the pool and remove…ah you know the rest.

As you can probably tell, I have not reached the seashore yet. Will I ever?

I’m going to take my nap now.

In the meanwhile, take more Vicodin. Disolve it in the new microwave heated water. Give some to your last wife. I promise you things will improve. Do you see how it is that a friends advice can improve your whole day.

And Joe continues on:

Actually the “Sign of the Cross” has been taken as a symbol of the more establishmentarian religions, Catholic, Anglican Episcopalians , etc. Baptista and Anabaptists abhor symbols or representations of any kind except for photographs of their leaders like Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson , etc., on pleas for donations. They focus more on dunking people in streams than contemplating the purpose of nailing someone to a piece of wood. As good as that sounds, they abandon any sympathy they may receive from, me at least, by believing that faith in your salvation as determined by Falwell and his cronies and refusal to vote Democratic, no matter what else you do in life, how many people you kill , etc., warrants you the right after the rapture to sit at heavens table somewhere significantly below your betters.

By the way, the two Giant Blue Vagina lunch-mates have just exited the pool, shedding copious amounts of sun sparkled water from their ponderous bare breasts.

Anyway back to theology, I would rather be circumcised a second time than join the baptist armies of Jesus.

Irwin writes:

lucky you. I haven’t ogled a vagina in a long time, or rather a vulva; nor fingered same. just an oldsmobile.

thanks for the advice. but I fear its too late. yesterday I thought sure I was on my way out which is not a problem! it’s the accompanying pain and discomfort that’s annoying. anyway I dragged myself through the microwave shopping, etc and made dinner (chicken breasts roasted in pomegranate molasses. ) turned off the lakers game when I saw they were down by thirty points watched a bad schwarzenegger movie and went to bed dozing off about 1:30 am to the conversation of some hams on my handheld transceiver that I keep next to my bed in case of nuclear attack. all-in-all sounds very gentile. this morning I am not much better but just reconciled to losing a tooth and having to go to the dentist next week. I also received a card from the superior court clerk and fear I am losing my battle in regard to jury duty ( I think I mentioned the story).

my one local friend just telephoned. I never answer the phone looking instead as I always do at the caller id to see who it is that has the nerve to disturb the tranquility of los pintos circle. I didn’t pick up. didn’t have the heart. I was afraid he’d ask how I was and then I’d have to tell. better he should think I am off functioning somewhere.

now I am going to the bank so that I can get enough cash ($5.00) to buy a lotto ticket and some salmon filet for dinner. maybe if I win the lotto I can win enough to buy my own vagina or salmon farm…smell the same?

maybe I’ll visit my mother today instead of tomorrow so I can be really depressed. somehow I fixed the old microwave door (dunno’ how). I’d like to take credit but it was just an accident. I could pretend but who would believe me.

every saturday morning jose jimenez (really that is his name!) the gardener comes to putter around the front and back yard. snip snip here. snip snip there. nothing monumental or taxing landscaping wise as the lawn in both yards is near extinction. anyway today I went out and asked him to trim the grapefruit tree which has branches hanging over the roof (funny, just about in the spot where the inside leak occurred). this damn grapefruit tree won’t die. problem is that with cholesterol/blood pressure medicine grapefruit juice is a no no. besides the fruit, as I remember it, is sour. the only other edible fruit products produced on the schatzman farm are guavas (both strawberry and pineapple) and inedible grapes. I once had an olive tree which I promised to cultivate but could never manage the olive curing process. my last wife had it cut down. the toy apple and orange trees never were worth the time and have since disappeared. I wanted to plant a vegetable garden – no. I don’t know why. again the last wife won out by insisting that the near-dead and space lawn not give way for a planting bed wherein I could grow tomatoes, chili peppers and the like.

I must go. I’m getting chilly. that’s a good sign. I’m still alive. well, maybe not so good.

More Irwin:

joseph, forgive me for saying so, but, you are fucked. I’m sorry. still, you could “look on the bright side of life”.

Joe again:

Well, I am better off today. I received a call a few moments ago from SWMBAAAC telling me that she is taking the baby back to the US and I probably will not see him ever again. On the other hand, my 25 year old wife who only two days ago issued her ultimatum now does not know if she is pleased or not with the prospect of my commitment to her , in any event she is preoccupied with her mother who is in the hospital with what appears to be a possible terminal illness. Meanwhile I sit, not at the beach but in my hotel, not sure if I should stay and show my support, leave and cry over the loss of Hayden or go for a swim in the pool. I think I will do the last.

I told you, happiness is waiting to see what will happen next. Or as that other great female philosopher, Scarlett O’Hara. said, “Tomorrow is another day”.

Irwin responds:

jesus christ! I haven’t answered your last email because as timely as perhaps I usually would have been given the circumstances that I have nothing else to do with my life, I did not know what to say and decided to wait until now (the first day of passover) when the wave of disbelief passed over me . please tell me you are using a figure of speech (below) when you mention “my 25 year old wife”. you actually didn’t get legally married did you?!! are you running a citizenship mill?

I know not (or is that naught ?) about the legal system in thailand so I don’t know what rights you have as hayden’s father; however, it might be worth the few hundred bahts, a pad salad and a couple of singhas to consult an attorney – forgetting for the moment that you are one but you know the adage about an attorney representing himself; besides I ‘m just guessin’ but I would think that your ticket is not operable in bkk.

were this a perfect world and I were a real pal I would fly over to help you, (1)commiserate with ample quantities of fermented juices and unprovoked laughter and other good cheer; (2)give you a sound talking-to; and (3) get you drunk to the point of walking unconsciousness and on a plane back to the usa where if you continue to insist on depravity (I.e. young women) and warm weather you can retire in an over 55 condo project in las vegas frittering away your paltry social security funds on keno, nickel slot machines and occasional trips to the bunny ranch when you are “up” to it with no obligations except a use-for-services fee and there being no complexities stemming from terminally ill mothers, pms and other extra-familial threats and conflagrations.

with or without the bkk attorney, write a letter to swmbaaac and inform her that you don’t intend to give up all rights to hayden without a major fight and suggest that her ability to enter and stay in the usa at will may be damaged by some strings you may elect to pull and lastly that without you there to care for the facility on world cup (choosing your written words carefully) you are certain that there will be a likely disaster with all going up in flames or something equally devastating maybe the fault of nature, the red shirts or the burmese slaves encamped in your neighborhood harboring resenting about the upper-class thai and the baptists asking for their souls but not permitting attendance of their children at the local private high school .

supervisor ralph clark (rip) of the fourth supervisorial district in orange county once told me, “irv, when it comes to more than a booty call in the relationships one has with women, the fucking you get ain’t worth the fucking you get.”

joe – get out of the pool and stop letting women keep dunking your head under water.

Joe’s response:

Ah, my friend you should come over here for a few weeks not for commiseration but for a last fling at debauchery.

I am thinking of a longer more maudlin post to my friends explaining that past few days. But I thought you as my best cyber and real friend deserve a behind the scenes peek.

As for the 25 year old wife whose photo I sent you previously, I married her about 4 years ago during one of the periodic separations with Hayden’s mother. I intended to bring her to the US. That did not work out and eventually SWMBAAAC found out and went all PMS on me. This despite the fact that SWMBAAAC was already married to one or more husbands at the time.

As for resort to the legal system in Thailand, I have begun the process even though I am convinced it is futile. On the other hand SWMBAAAC is a naturalized American citizen subject to American laws including the IRS. I have prepared a nasty surprise for her.

While the pain of losing Hayden is great and my fear for his future happiness grave, I have been through this 3 times before and learned that there is nothing ti learn.

Meanwhile I am ensconsed at the sea shore, about a half a mile from the Thai version of Hell as pictured by my baptist missionary friends.

So visit me my friend, if you can.

From Nikki:

I understand your concern about all the facts but i want to make cristal clear to you and her that i would not let the baby leave CM school as we all agreed since the beginning.
Whatever decision and trip she want to take is fine but one thing she cannot change is the kid education in chang mai.
I might sound naivee but on this matter i am already committed and resolute so i should not worry too much.
I know for sure her planning to fly to USA but this time with no baby.
Yes i missunderstand the dates of the school term and i will try not to keep him too much here maybe u could fly to Milano and pick him up if she doesn’t want to go back.
so the all trip will last at the most 15 days so he can have another 2 weeks in school
also i will be with him most of the time and he needs some fresh air too
If u have any complain let me know.

From Joe:

We are preparing to leave for the airport. We have just returned from the school. Hayden wanted to say goodby to his friends. He was very upset. So were all the teachers. No one could understand why it was that Natalie could not comprehend how important stability is right now for the child. One teacher exclaimed “doesn’t anyone think about the child and not their own convenience”. I told them that the plan was for him to return on the 15th of April. They were distressed that he would miss so much of the school program. They also did not believe Hayden would be back. I do not believe Hayden does either.

Nikki responds:

Sorry to hear that i guess i feel responsible of that i only try to make the baby happy to have a vacation and get away from the polluted air maybe was the wrong time.to decide
Also she wanted the baby in bkk anyway and i don’t want to figth about it.
Anyway he is going to have a great time here and in Zurich i am not so busy for the first weeks of the course so i will have time to spend with him.
So if everything is going smooth he will go back around the 15th to complete the summer class.
But if she realize that the school is more important than the trip i have nothing against to change my plan maybe u talk to her and see what is going on
Like i said i will be resolute to have the baby finish the school in CM and i don’t think she will aggravate the situation in this peculiar moment
If u can talk to her try to feel what are her ideas about it i am open for any solution for the baby’s sake and wellness
waiting an e mail from u once in bkk
have a nice trip

From Joe to Nikki:

She called me this morning and said that you insisted he go to Italy now. She also said she did not know when he is coming back. She is back to her vague “month or two”. I mentioned school and the importance of stability, she did not respond other that to insist I check on his passport. The taxi is here More later.

More from Joe to Nikki:

Ok. We are at the airport. They lost my ticket so I have to pay twice.

It is something that should be understood, that right now the most important thing for Hayden is that he feel a sense of stability and that he has a home. Right now he no longer feels that because he has nothing on which to judge whether he will ever come back or not. No amount of fun can substitute for that. I do not know how to make natalie understand that. It is less important that he be with his mother at this time then he feel secure.

This morning, when I spoke with her, Nat was insistent that I not come into Bangkok. What do you think that is about?

Will email again when I am settled.


Hope the flite went well even if i understand u had to double pay the ticket
I call bkk and she is happy to have the baby there they will visit the
dentist and get ready to leave for europe.
I work on trying to get them closer and understand the meaning of
responsability and the education of a child if i am lucky i will success in
I checked my schedule and i will pretty much off during the beginning of the
course so i can guard him and entertain so as not let him missing too much
the summer school.
By the way did u finish our story?
The week on the middle of the month is a good time to let them go back
unless she want to take off for usa in this case u better get ready to pick
him up there is a cheap ticket with egiptair with a stopover in cairo for
less than a 1000 us$
But the situation is in continuos changing so as to speak so we have to get
write me again


I just received a phone call from Natalie. She said Hayden is not coming back to Chiang Mai and will go to the US. She said he is not healthy and there. That son of a bitch Oo was a plant.


New york 28 march 2010
No clue on that
Last phone call shows her coming with the baby to Europe for a while than going back to bkk but of course everything can change in hours
as far as i know the baby should attend the school in CM like i want and said before
if i got more news will call


From Gates:

Have fun. Why not Hua Hin? – thought that’s where the King hangs when out of Dodge.

Go to Chiva-Som & tell them you’ll work as a masseur for room & board!!

Joe responds:

Actually his hangout is Cha-am. Hua-Hin has the Chamber of Commerce.

Actually also, I have not reached any seashore and spent last night in BKK. I received a call close to midnight last night informing me that the plans of yesterday have changed. Shortly thereafter my putative wife informed me it is either Chiang Mai or her. I am spending today staring out of my window overlooking the pool and the many enormous german women sunning themselves topless while I pull on my dick to relieve the tension.

From Ruth:

This must be very hard for Hayden and no picnic for you either. How do you keep your best buddies (or even acquire them) if you change countries every few months? For that matter, how do you acquire an education? I guess that matters less at 5 than it will later, but eventually schools are going to want to see full years completed. And don’t you also find it hard to build up a relationship with him only to have him taken away? At least you’ve got a longer-term perspective than he, but it still strikes me as tough to put up with even if you have someone to console you.

Joan has a new puppy who will probably be bigger than Joan by the time he’s a year old. I haven’t met him yet. Next month.

Joe responds:

Well I agree with you on everything except the eventual size of Joan’s puppy.

However last night, I received a phone call telling me that plans have changed and I am to take Hayden back with me to Chiang Mai in a few days. I expect to receive another call sometime this afternoon changing the “plan” again. Meanwhile the only person available to console me issued an ultimatum to choose either her or Chiang Mai. (Why can’t we all just be friends?). Meanwhile, I am stuck in a hotel in BKK with a bunch of nordic tourists. The enormous amount of sagging and jiggling exposed flesh has sent me fleeing to my room in terror.

Maybe this will all disappear after my nap.

Categories: January 2010 through March 2010 | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

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