Last night I was awoken by the sound of loud music, laughter and singing. I left my apartment and went into the hall to see what was going on. I realized it was coming from a unit a few doors down from me. It appeared that some of the Russian women on vacation here were having a party and singing along to a stringed instrument of some kind. I stood there listening to their singing and laughter for a while. A man, a little younger than I, joined me at the balcony. He had an accent I could not place. He said to me, “They should not be making all that noise this late at night and keeping the rest of us up.”
“Oh I don’t know,” I responded, “They’re here on vacation let them have some fun, I don’t expect that their life back home in Russia is all that good.”
“Yeah,” he said, “what if everyone who came here on vacation did that, what then”?
“Well,” I said moving off back to my apartment door, “I guess the world would be a little better place then.” I stopped and turned back to him and added, “I would however, have to move out.”
” Life is funny that way” I thought, “sometimes we just have to accept some inconvenience to make things better.”
Still, I could not get back to sleep.
EXCERPTS FROM DIARY ENTRIES PRIOR TO POST:
SATURDAY MAY 8 2010 5 PM
Still troubled by yesterday’s realization. Unbidden my mind repeatedly focusses on Tai as a helpless victim of something, drugs, sexual slavery whatever and me heroically saving her. And again knowing that if she calls, I will go along with it again. Shit.
Spent most of the day working on my emails (Irwin and Re Thai r ment), Kos (You Must be a Republican) and personal finance. Wrote to Ann, Anthony, Terry, Irwin–who else ??? Need to write to Nikki. Why? To defend myself again. Decided not to go to dinner with Lek tonight. Sent phone msg. rescheduling for tomorrow. What about May. Do I feel like paying 1000 baht for what she has to offer. What do I want now that I know I cannot trust my own emotions or decisions. Ugh!!
Went for a walk along the beach at sunset then long the beach road aways in to opposite direction to Pattaya, then back to Cafe Le Mar for pizza and home again.
I think based upon my insecurity in dealing with personal relationships especially with women, that I try to keep to myself near home a bit more and avoid new interpersonal relationships. I do not know if it will help, but I feel so helpless it is probably a good idea for the time being. But can I avoid depression. Writing helps.