The newly appointed Chief of Police in Thailand recently announced that the main problem facing the country is disrespect of the Monarchy and promised to do something about it.
I could not sleep last night. I had headaches and was feeling feverish. I also experienced some of the same terrors of the night that I did as a kid after listening to Suspense Theater on the radio and hearing my parents argue in the next room. Recently it has been an absence of sound that seem to cause me to wake in fright.
In the morning, feeling exhausted, I went to breakfast and then for my walk along the beach. This morning, as I walked, I decided to smoke one of those Italian cigars that Nikki gave me .
In the latter part of the 19th century, Italy was a leading producer of tobacco products. One day, rain dripping through the roof of the shed in which a tobacco wholesaler stored his tobacco, saturated the leaves ruining them with dampness and mold. The wholesaler not wanting to lose his entire stock, added brandy to the mess, dried it out and rolled it into cigars that he then sold. Since they were much less expensive they became the cigar of choice the poorer classes and the Industry was born.
I thought I could look cool and avoid the second had smoke problem because the shore breezes would dissipate the smoke over the water. Unfortunately, smoking a cigar while walking for exercise destroys the purpose of both in that in the case of avoiding lung cancer, one cannot avoid inhaling the smoke as one trudges along. So, I gave up the experiment.
After my walk, I went to the pharmacy to replenish some of my medicines. After giving my order, I felt faint, dizzy and nauseous. I ran out of the shop. and being unable to stand, sat on the curb and began to vomit uncontrollably. I do not recall ever having felt so ill. It got so unstoppable and violent that I was sure that I was going to die and afraid that it would not come soon enough.
Is this the end for Pookie? Stay tuned.
Attached is a draft of a planned part of an introduction to my humorous revision of the various bibles relied upon by the People of the Book. If you are easily offended, please skip this.
One night I had a dream and it went something like this:
English: Abraham embraces his son Isaac after receiving him back from God (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I dreamt I saw old Abraham in his tent drunk on fermented camel’s milk surrounded by his sons. Outside the tent his wives, concubines and slaves tended the cook fire and drew lots to see who would sleep with the smelly old bastard that night.
Old Abe was raving about the recent rejection of his application to join the Babylon Men’s Camel Dung Rolling Club. That’s when he realized the truth. “O my Unmentionable Deity, I must be Jewish”.
“Why would I want to join their dammed club anyway” he shouted “They could not be very exclusive if they would allow someone like me, living in a tent, join”. And with that jewish humor entered the world.
“I will form my own club and will not let anyone join. I will show them real exclusivity”.
Isaac, a pimply faced overweight adolescent, fearing this could lead to the end of his sneaking out of the tent at night for some action with the sweet smelling babylonian girls after the old man passed out, leaving him only with the dung smelling camel herding women his dad preferred, protested, “We can’t do that. We don’t have a membership card or anything.”
Abe stared at Isaac whom he disliked and surmised was probably gay. He thought, “Maybe I should kill him now before he gets a chance to breed”.
“We will make our own membership cards. Clay tablets!” Abe announced.
“No you’re right, too heavy. It will break the line of our tunics. Tattoos!” he suggested.
“No, everyone’s got tattoos nowadays”. “I’ve got it” he exclaimed “We’ll cut off the ends of our dicks. Nobody will have membership card like that”.
“You got to be kidding”, cried Isaac.
With that Abe grabbed his knife jumped over the fire grabbed Isaac by the shirt and said, “I’ve had enough of you, you little shit, prepare to die.”
In good biblical tradition Isaac thought quickly and lied. ” Wait” he said “I see the hand of God what’s his name staying your hand from killing your son because he and all your sons submit to the will of what’s his name”.
With that Abe relented killing Isaac. Instead he cut off the end of the dick of every male present’s. At the moment of initiation each one screamed, “Yowee that hurts!”.
When it was all over Abe rested. He looked at all his sons writhing in agony on the floor of the tent and said, “You know, I like that. Up to now whenever the guys hung out talking about their gods it was always Ishtar this and Baal that. They would all laugh when I mentioned the God Whose Name could not be Uttered. From now on in recognition of this event whenever we utter we shall utter the the name of our all powerful creator, ‘Yowee’. What do you think?”
In my dream I wondered how they were going to be able to identify one another as member of the men’s club. Groping under each others tunic was a little more obvious than a Masonic handshake. Maybe they originally held their meetings in the health club shower.
Anyway my dream fast forwarded to 33 AD (although they did not know at the time it was 33 AD, everyone at the time thinking it was 3000 years or something since god rested) and the throng (We no longer throng today, we crowd, what a loss) was pressing forward to enter the temple on the sabbath, the day people thronged to the temple, a building that replaced the old health club showers .
The guard at the gate of the temple in Jerusalem stopped one of the throng who happened to be Jesus of Nazareth
Robert Powell as Jesus of Nazareth (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“Hey you. Only Jews allowed to enter the temple. You Jewish. You don’t look Jewish with that fruity double pointed red beard”.
“My good man”, said Jesus (he was a Rhodes Scholar and had studied in England) “of course I’m Jewish, I speak Hebrew as though I never learned Aramaic”.
“Anyone can learn Hebrew” responded the guard. “Whip it out and put in on the table.”
Now Jesus had no problem with whipping it out given all the time he spent with the ladies and all that lying of the head on the breast and that sort of thing and he was quite proud of his membership card. So he whipped it out and everyone getting a look at it exclaimed “Oh my God!!”.
“That’s right”, said Jesus, “Now all of you get out of my fucking temple”.
Now where Jesus was quite proud in his membership in Judaism, Paul was less so. Where they all marveled at Jesus Membership , they all laughed when Paul whipped his out. So Paul went to the Apostles (the “Come to Jesus’ Marching and Motorcycle Club”) gathered at their clubhouse in Jerusalem (Apostles “gather” they do not “throng or “crowd” like the rest of us) and said to them, “This membership card thing isn’t working. Its too hard to get anyone to join and tithe. Since we’re the new guys (and guys we are) we need a new card. Besides aren’t you all a little tired of having to show your card every time before you give a sermon.”
“Good thought Paul” said Peter who, although not afflicted by the results of being kicked by a horse on the way to Damascus as was Paul, was a shy man. “What should the new membership card be?”
“Faith shining through their eyes” said Paul.
“How would anyone know?” questioned Peter.
“We will know. Besides if the light shines through everyones eyes what difference would it make”.
Then I woke up and felt inspired to begin writing a new Bible integrating all the People of the Book, the Jews with their Old Testament, the Christians with their New Testament and Muslims with their Koran.
Some Rules for Bible Writing:
Now in writing a bible on of the things one has to wrestle with is theology, because no one knows what it is but everyone thinks it is very important so they end up fighting about it all the time.
For example, in each of the Books relied upon by the People of the Book, God appears somewhat different.
a. God’s Personality:
In the Hebrew Bible, Abraham had a lot of different gods to choose from because there were a lot around at that time. He could have chosen a Sun God, all shiny and gold riding across the sky every day looking like his shit don’t stink. Or he could have chosen one of the goddess babes that always were sneaking around from tent to tent shagging one god or another or if no god would have them then some mortal that out of embarrassment they then turn into stone or something
But no, Abe was the worlds first stand up comic. He thought it would improve his act to choose the one God no one else wanted. He chose the as God for his people the God of insanity.
All the other gods and goddesses spent their time shagging one another and just about anything else that walked, flew, swam or slithered in, on or under the earth, or they would sometimes play an ancient form of video game, choosing up sides among themselves and having teams of mortals slaughter each other, cheering on their team until one side wins. Oh it must have been great fun.
But not Abe’s choice, He did not join in the fun, instead He really liked killing. Compared to Him Loki the German god who brought on Ragnarok, the Twilight of the Gods, was a choir boy.
In fact He was a homicidal maniac. He wanted his people to kill everyone else and take their land on top of it, If His people lost He did not just shrug His shoulders and walk away like the other gods, promising to get even later. No, instead He would blame his people. Told them they deserved to lose because they ate pork or something He did not like to eat ( I also hear that He was lactose intolerant)
God liked to eat steak, fish and okra. In fact one of the original books of the Bible was a list of God’s favorite recipes. But it has been lost.
After they began to lose, God even stopped talking to them, instead communicating to them only through His mouth pieces he called “Prophets”.
The God of the Christian Bible on the other hand seemed to be a bit of a wuss. Sort of all diffident and misty. He did not seem to say much, leaving all the heavy lifting to His son, who for all His trouble ended up nailed to a dead tree while the Old Man dithered and ominously threatened to deal with them later.
The God of Mohammed seems to be an OK guy. He spends most of his time creating virgins for his elect when they die after killing people He did not like. He left operations to his CEO, Mohammed.
On the issue of joining the club, each book had a slightly different approach.
The Hebrews were not particularly interested in new members preferring to kill them and take their land. The Christians and their God liked to beg them to join first and then if they didn’t, kill them and take their land. And Mohammed seeing the difficulties experienced by his predecessors decided on the up front approach, “Either join us or we will kill you and take your land.
c. The problem of women:
Some may ask what about the women?
Well first of all Abraham, Jesus and Mohammed all were men and the first thing on any man’s mind besides killing other men is getting it off with a woman. ( There is some question about which side of the plate Jesus batted from, but I think the weight of opinion was that He may have been a switch hitter (He grew up in a Greek neighborhood after all)).
Second the thing that men hate worst of all is women telling them what to do or having to ask if he could go off with the boys and kill a few enemies and rape their women.
No, the whole People of the Book is a guy thing.
Think about it, would a women dream of having 72 virgins after they die in battle? They are smarter than that. First who needs virgins, they wont be virgins for long and then what? Also no women would be taken in by some guy promising her nights of pleasure after she’s dead. Besides who cleans up the place after the party? She would figure it would probably be her, as usual.
Another problem in writing a bible is ones choice of sources.
In addition to the old and new Testament and the Koran, it is appropriate to use for material, writings of old Jewish comedians, mostly insane Christian hermits and Muslim jihadists.
For example in the Old Testament, at the end of Genesis I, God creates women out of the same muck from which He created man. In Geneses II however we see God creating Eve out of Adam’s rib.
Noticing that discrepancy, some of the old jews suggested that there were two woman created. The first one Lilith was clearly a shicksa so the marriage of course did not work out and after the divorce she slept around a lot. Eve on the other hand coming from Adam’s own rib was a match made in heaven so to speak.
Also the triune God of the clearly insane John the Evangelist should be moved up into Genesis because not even a comedic genius like Abraham could conceive of anything as ridiculous as a God with a split personality.
3. Cites and Footnotes:
One should not cite or footnote what one steals from others. The authors of the original Bible did not, claiming that it all came from the hand of God, so why should you.
*Note: The correct answer is “Bangladesh” or another impoverished country.