Today’s fractured factoid:
1492 August, Christopher Columbus sails from Spain and arrives in the Bahamas in October.
There he vacations on the beach and invents the Mai Tai, but it failed to achieve much success because, since he did not get to China as he set out to do, he did not have any of those tiny paper umbrellas.
Undeterred Columbus goes to a gambling casino in hopes of winning enough money to demonstrate to the King and Queen back in Spain who paid for his holiday because he knew how to make a hard-boiled egg stand on its end, that they had made a wise investment. Unfortunately Columbus lost all of his money and two of his three boats besides.
Desperate, Columbus fills his remaining boat with cocaine and smuggles it into South Florida where he makes enough money to buy back his two boats and return to Spain’
1493 Columbus returns to Spain.
The King and Queen greet him as a hero, relieve him of most of his loot and promptly order him to return and get some more. This pissed Columbus off. He had hoped to retire to a villa on Mallorca with his ill-gotten gains. Instead he all he could look forward to was spending another six months in a leaky wooden boat with a bunch of scurvy sailors. Nevertheless:
1494 Columbus sets sail again from Spain.
He lands in Jamaica where the Arawak indians call him Jerk, because Columbus looked to them like desiccated meat. This insult so enraged Columbus that he promptly enslaved the Arawaks and gave them small pox so that they all died.
But the Arawaks had the last laugh because in return for Columbus’ gifts the Arawaks gave Columbus Syphilis that he then brought back to Spain. This did not please the King and Queen as much as the loot from the smuggled cocaine so they sent poor old Columbus back to sea again and then things got even worse.
Today’s medical chart:
We have all had the experience upon entering the examination room in a doctor’s office, seeing on the wall those gruesome full color charts exposing sections of the human body sliced open for all to see. Usually the part of the body exposed is that part that is the doctors specialty.
I always found it somewhat distressing sitting in my urologist’s office waiting for his arrival and staring at a giant-sized rendering of half a penis and uterus.
I do not know why they put up these charts. I am sure I have never seen the doctor refer to the chart to check out what he was doing while he examined me. Then again I rarely actually saw what my proctologist was up to during his examination. Actually, I knew what he was up to. I just could not see it.
Anyway, while sitting at breakfast and rooting through the internet after reviewing the football scores, I came across a site featuring doctors charts. I have included one of my favorites below. It must be intended for a fertility clinic.
After staring at it for a while, it struck me that it could also be used in a psychologist’s office as a description of certain emotional states.
Grade 4: I’m feeling good.
Grade 3: I feel like I am just going around in circles.
Grade 2: I can barely move my tail.
Grade 1: I must be either catatonic, in a coma or asleep if I am not already dead.