I last wrote on Friday waiting for the plane to take us to BKK. Today is Wednesday March 31 in Thailand. I am sitting in a restaurant in Jomtien Beach across the road from the sand and water and in front of the condo in which I have rented a studio for the next six months.
When I arrived in BKK from CM on Friday, I had a little boy who loved me and who I loved in return and had a large house in Paradise. When I left BKK Tuesday for Pattaya I had none of them. His mother (SWMBAAAC) decided to take him on to Italy and then the US and was not planning on returning anytime in the foreseeable future.
In my life, I have lost a child to SIDS, two children to domestic turmoil. Eventually the two returned, one after eight months surrendered by his mother who could no longer cope and the other years later returned through an act of courage and self-awareness far beyond that usually found in an eight year old. And now an innocent little boy wanting little more than security and stability is wrenched away from his home back into aimless wandering from place to place and sudden abandonment. With each loss the pain is deeper but the mourning shorter.
I have moved from Paradise in CM to Pattaya that some say is more than half way to Hell. Jomtien Beach is considered the quiet side of Pattaya, but it still sits squarely on the road to damnation.
No more the well-tended lawns of Paradise in the Mountains or the panting missionaries out to save my soul; the quiet nights broken by the moans and screams as the rodents, snakes and feral cats play out the drama of life and death that rise from the wild lands surrounding the walled gardens of that Paradise. No more the bird songs and flowering trees. I realised Paradise without the screams and squeals of children playing is dull indeed. No more, the tall blond uniformed children on the manicured playing fields dreaming of a world of a Jesus whose only demands on them are to believe in him and to vote Republican. Instead I now reside somewhere on the road to hell, peopled by boney nosed tattooed pot-bellied men worshiping the goddess “poon-tang” and slight pretty women dreaming of their salvation from the poverty and penury of their lives by the wealth extracted from those tattooed pot-bellied devotees.
As irony would have it my apartment is located in the Jomtien Paradise Condominiums. At night I can look out from my balcony towards the lights of Hell (Yes you can see Hell from Paradise.) In my mind’s eye I see neon reflecting like jewels from the dragon’s fire on the beads of sweat spawned by the desperation of desire. And do you know something, for the first time in three months I feel like I can breathe.
FROM MY JOURNAL PRIOR TO POST:
FRIDAY MARCH 26, 2010 2AM
Well, it took only 12 hours for the arrangements to change again, for the worse. Now Hayden is going with his mother directly to Italy. He will stay with Nikki for a week and then with Nikki and Natalie for a week in Zürich. Nikki of course, again, he suggested this alternative to Natalie, even after we rejected it a few days ago. I fear for Hayden, that he will be taken to the US and the cycle of loneliness and insecurity will begin again. Or is it my ego feeling threatened, that I lost again.
I am unable to sleep and I tear up when I think of losing him, of never seeing him again. Or, am I just deluding myself, covering up for the assault on my ego. What is this desperate need to “save” the child when my relationship with the mother goes sour. First Jason then Jessica, in neither case was I much of a savior. Now Haden. Maybe I cannot stand the truth. What is the truth?
Flew to BKK. Said goodbye to Hayden. Cried. Took taxi to SWAN. Slept from 2PM to 5PM. Had dinner at Macs. Tai at hospital with mother for mother’s tests. I do not feel well.
Tai arrived at about 9 PM. Her mom needs more tests tomorrow and Aslon gets vaccinated on Sunday so beach trip off until Sunday night. She told me that if I go back to Chiang Mai she will leave me. I pointed out the difficulty of my position. Cried, pleaded but she remained firm. What to do. Options, choose Hayden and risk losing Hayden and her. Choose her than abandon Hayden should he return. I cannot do that. And if I choose the first option and lose both, what then?
First thing is to delay. Second to negotiate a permanent situation with N. and N regarding CM.
Need to return Nikki’s call. Ask Irwin for advice?
SUNDAY MARCH 28 2010 1PM
Still in BKK. Still no word from N. or Nikki regarding Haden. No contact with Tai since Friday night. Since no beach vacation also, decided to try the pool even with my cold water phobia. Went to Robinson’s bought black trunks, black sandals (not flip-flops, another phobia, things between my toes) and some medicine for athlete’s foot and returned to the Swan. Changed into trunks and sandals and went to the pool. After adequate procrastination, I sat at the edge of the pool and tested the water temperature with the traditional toe-touch. It was not that freezing shock that usually felt to me like being stuck with a hot poker. It was pleasant. Jumped in, swam my new nautical exercise regime. 5 or more breast strokes, same number of crawl, then back strokes, then side. Eventually got bored, exited the pool and wrote this while I decide to go back to my room and nap or eat lunch. Nap is winning. No nipple girls today. It’s Sunday after all.
Well just received a telephone call from Nat. who handed the phone to Hayden and we talked about Zinky-do for a while and he hug up. Am I supposed to ask what’s that all about??? Called back. No answer.
Still undecided. Nap or lunch. Two slender blond women wearing different colored bathing suits of the same design and looking like fraternal twins have been lying in the sun since I got up this morning. Except for occasional dips in the pool they lie motionless. One could think they were dead. That cannot be good for them, lying in the sun this long that is, not being dead.
It has been decided, nap wins of course.
See emails. Blond women just left the pool.
Nat called. Taking Hayden to US. Sad and Hurt. Bye-bye Hayden. Set up with Oo. See emails. Spoke with Tai. Mom very sick. In hospital so she says. Offered to go to Hosp. She said she will come here
Went to dinner with Tai at an expensive place (1000 baht). She was not very warm to me. Said she was tired. In taxi home asked for 8000 baht for baby vaccination. I gave her three.
MONDAY MARCH 29 2010 9AM
Did not sleep much last night. Played with the computer. Having trouble holding it together. Now I think I know what that means. I feel if I do not keep it all in and if I avoid focusing on it, I can get through the day. That it is, my frustration with being unable to get what I want; my humiliation at being bested by N. and having to explain all to my email readers and others (Mom?); my doubts about Tai; my grief over losing Hayden; my anxiety regarding my finances and domicile; my fear I will not succeed in revenge and obtaining tranquility and so on. I have reached that place where the excitement of the new day is overwhelmed by the despair leaking in from the old.
I guess the first thing I need to do is eat breakfast. Even that produces a mild sense of dread in that yesterday I may or may not have gotten a free breakfast and fear I will be discovered today. (Guests in the hotel on the American Plan have Bkfst included. I do not know if I am also on that plan.) Writing this is good. The absurdity of it amuses me and exposes its irrelevance. So off you go Joey and greet the day. Simple steps will not get you far but will get you out of bed and fed. The rest can wait at least that long. But can my mind avoid its turmoil for that long also??
Decided against breakfast right now. Need to research place to stay.
TUESDAY MARCH 30 2010 6 PM
I am sitting in a restaurant in Jomtien Beach across the road from the sand and water and in front of the condo in which I have rented a studio for the next six months.
Another night I cannot sleep. The heat, although not oppressive feels heavy on my skin while my mind whirls in grief and desperation. My skin itches.